Hi Stephane,
Firstly, I have a question about my frustration. I know it
shouldn’t bother me but this situation gets under my nose so
badly that I can’t seem to ignore it. I broke things off
with my boyfriend (currently an ex now) due to him being
very controlling and possessive of me. We had been going out
for 3 years anyway there is a girl in a younger year then us
(me and my ex are both 18) I assume she is a little younger
than I am. She was playing chess with him the other day,
asking about our PAST relationship and personal info, he was
giving it. She started flirting and joking, he didn’t seem
to pick up on it but his tone changed so that it was
slightly flirtatious back. Today this girl is blocking my
way into the library so I stopped because I simply wanted to
put something down and go do other things, she says, “Hey
sexy (B*tch/Sl*t or something to that affect)” I push past
not touching her and ignore the comment. She goes up to my
ex and is like, “Is that your ex?” He makes a non-committed
answer but it was positive and she blurts out loudly,
“She’s a bitch”. Now I must say that I am completely over
my ex but that simply fuels my confusion about why this
situation is so frustrating and why I want to hurt this
girl.
Any ideas as to why I am frustrated with this or what to do?
My next question: I have a male friend let’s call him J we
both admit to liking each other. So J and I have been
flirting and saying all the things we will do when we get
together, I want to wait until after school so I focus
solely on the relationship. Anyway J is “second” there is
another boy (call him S) and I feel deeply connected with S
but he has a girlfriend so I know nothing can happen. J is
great and I’ve known him for years but I often talk about my
emotions and lately my feelings are connected to S, so I
mention it but then J gets quiet or simply says something
like last night, “So I’m second best?” I have tried to
explain that since I’m single I can be with or fancy whoever
I want, yet J is starting to act needy and as if I MUST be
the one for him. Simply put, is there a way of nipping this
jealousy flower in the bud? He is a brilliant person
otherwise, it just seems like the more we flirt, and the
more I mention S then the more possessive/jealous J gets.
Both J and I are spiritual and it seems like a lack of
communication/understanding. I want things to work out for
me in the relationship area as it seems I always end up with
boys who hurt me.
Any help would be appreciated, I really enjoy reading your
newsletter as it aids me into the mind of a male or simply
things that would be helpful in a relationship.
>>>COMMENTS:
Regarding your first question, you get frustrated and angry
because you value, appreciate, and love, your life.
Don’t tell yourself, “This shouldn’t bother me.” Do not
“should” all over yourself. You get angry because you love
your life, and when the people you love don’t have the
courage to face you, of course, you get angry. You loved
this person, you loved the relationship you had with him,
and now he is hiding behind the ‘girl bully’ and is likely
telling her all about how ‘unfair’ and ‘mean’ you were
in order to gain sympathy and play the victim.
And, those who play the ‘victim’ well have no shortage of
fans. It is literally one of the secrets to being popular!
The average person does this after a breakup; they play the
‘victim’ and will say and do things in order to make you
look like the evil ‘perpetrator’. So of course, this makes
you angry because you not only love your life but you also
love and respect truth itself. When gross violations and
distortions of the truth take place, your inner ’spiritual
warrior’ flares up and asks, “Why are these people
behaving this way?”
They behave this way because they are human.
Humans are in a very difficult position. Their minds are
completely unable to tell the difference between truth and
fallacy. So, they have to rely on opinions to make up for
it. Socrates said that all men choose what they believe is
the ‘good’ choice in any given situation, however, they
are not mentally equipped for knowing what is the real
‘good’ versus the ‘bad’ choice in any given situation.
Just watch the news and this becomes abundantly clear.
If people could be more evolved, they would be. But
actually, everyone is somewhere along a gradient scale of
evolution, with some people way down at the bottom and other
people that are so highly evolved that the vast majority of
mankind still does not understand them, even though these
beings spoke very clearly and did not exactly use riddles
(e.g., Jesus Christ, Buddha, etc.).
The best you can do is try to date people that are closer to
your level of consciousness, or slightly above you (and be
willing to forgo your opinions so that you can learn from
them). Perhaps a young woman of 18 would do best to forget
about high school boys and date someone in college who is a
bit older. Because boys are one thing, and men are another.
As for your second question regarding this new young “man”
who is displaying warning signs of jealousy and
possessiveness (even though you are not even dating yet),
well, he is just telling you where he’s at on the
evolutionary scale of human consciousness. Jealousy and
possessiveness are down at the bottom, while appreciation,
humility, gratitude, and respect are up towards the top.
Jealousy is innate to the animal and human kingdom; it is a
natural part of our ego-programming. Animals are territorial
and highly motivated to ‘mate’ and to ‘get’. With a
little observation, you can easily tell which of the young
men in the world are obsessed with mate/get versus which of
them are more evolved and have settled into a more relaxed
position we might call value/appreciate.
So, there are the mate/get guys, versus the value/appreciate
guys. If you look into the eyes of the mate/get guys,
you’ll see a significant amount of strain, pain, and the
inability to hold eye contact (or if they do hold eye
contact, it feels forced).
On the other hand, those rare value/appreciate guys will be
capable of holding a prolonged, open visual gaze with you.
As a rule of thumb, the warmer the eye contact, the higher
the being.
As humans evolve, they have significantly less and less
fear, desire, jealousy, worry, pride, etc., and this allows
them to remain relaxed and open without fear-based
‘fight-or-flight’ reactivity. My suggestion is to screen
for men who can gaze into your eyes in such a way that it
feels like Home, and stay away from the emotionally insecure
because they unconsciously view themselves as ‘victims’, and
in dating them we always pay their price whether we want to
or not. They can’t help it and are just being what they are.
Thanks for your questions.
Many Blessings,
Stephane Hemon
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